#DadLife Bed Time (Shake it Off)

Every parent has one point in the day with kids that they absolutely dread. For some people it’s the morning. For others it’s bath time. For me it’s bedtime. It really doesn’t make any sense. Over the last six years and change, bedtime for my children has fluctuated so much it is insane. Sometimes both kids are difficult, sometimes both are easy. Other times, one is extremely difficult and the other is very easy. It feels like playing bedtime roulette, kids can land on red or black and on those rare occasions having us parents green with anger.

(I was going to make a Passenger 57 joke about “always bet on black” about the roulette, but I was afraid no one would get the reference. Bill Simmons mentioned they should remake this movie right now. I agree 100%. Let’s get Michael B Jordan to be an action star. The Creed 2 trailer looks amazing and we need more action stars, but I digress.)

Both of my kids use a sound machine. We can’t be alone in this. Besides the obvious calming effects that it has, it also allows me to watch sports at a loud volume and not wake the kids up…once they finally fall asleep. My son now likes a cool wash cloth on his eyes to help him “calm down and relax for bed,” as he puts it. I feel like I work in a spa. I think a luxury spa charges for this service. We do it with a hug and a smile and then go pack his lunch. My son is currently easy to put to bed. He gets his spa treatment and now listens to bedtime stories on his iPad and falls asleep. Well, besides the three dozen hugs and kisses he requires before my wife and I are allowed to leave the room. At this point he isn’t the issue.

My daughter is a master manipulator. When did she learn this? Where did she learn this? Are some people just born with this natural skill? She just became potty trained this summer after turning three. She has decided the following about bed time.

1. She never wants to go to bed.
2. She hates having any and all covers on.
3. She requires an ice cold beverage before bed and on her night stand.
4. She requires at minimum six to eight babies or stuffed animals in her bed.
5. They must be arranged EXACTLY how she wants.
6. She will go to the bathroom several times even if she doesn’t have to go or actually goes.

My daughter has figured out that saying she has to use the bathroom is a game changer. She knows that since that was the priority this summer, she can play that card whenever she wants and we will acquiesce her request. So here we are. We do this bedtime dance every single night. Last night she had to use the bathroom four times in under an hour. THIS IS EXHAUSTING! (Taylor Swift voice)

My wife and I are never, ever, ever, getting the kids to bed in under an hour. (I swear that’s my last Taylor Swift reference today) What does everyone else do? I’ve been reading articles on how to help the situation and it has not been effective. I am going with the “it’s just a stage” and the age of three is way worse than two. See the terrible two’s get all the publicity, but age three is infinitely worse. Either way I am tired of the second shift bedtime extravaganza we have going on. Do you have any suggestions? I’ve got a blank space, so please send me your idea. (Lied about no more Taylor Swift references)